Friday Happy Hour Tutorial (Marquee Matchup Edition)

But really, is there a more exciting matchup than these two?

Finally, the weekend has arrived, and it brings joy and excitement to all those of us who love sports. Civil war re-enactments (Ohio State at Texas, or North Vs. South), old wounds revisited (Penn State at Notre Dame), and sibling rivalries (Manning Bowl) are just some of the things to look forward to this weekend, the rest of course being THE NFL IS BACK! So throw a pack of brats on the grill, get your team gear on, and join us all for hours and hours of athletic entertainment, Triple OT style!

• First and foremost is, of course, the rematch between #1 Ohio State and #2 Texas. Can Troy Smith and Ted Ginn Jr. lead the Buckeyes to victory deep in the heart of Texas? Or will Colt McCoy and the Longhorns show these yankees (all 40,000 of them) the way out of Austin? Key matchup: OSU offense vs Texas defense. Winner of that wins the game. My prediction is Texas by a field goal.
• Did you know the last time Penn State played Notre Dame was the game where Rudy was filmed? The Nittany Lions visit South Bend again some fourteen years later, where they'll face the #4 Fighting Irish. Not to sound like Madden, but this game will be won or lost by whoever scores the most points. Basically, it comes down to whether or not Penn State's defense will give Brady Quinn enough time to throw, and if Penn State's offense has jelled significantly since their last outing. My prediction is Notre Dame by a touchdown.
• A scene from the Manning household:
  [Peyton and Eli are wrestling in the living room, yelling, punching, screaming. Their mother runs in.]
  Olivia Manning: Stop fighting! You two are not in direct competition with each other. I repeat, you two are not in direct competition with each other!
  [Enter Archie, holding a phone in hand.]
  Archie: Hey! Apu just called! The Colts and the Giants face off against each other Sunday night! Eli and Peyton will be in direct competition with each other! You'll be playing for your father's love! (Flicks light switch up and down) FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
• Greg Good, otherwise known as "the Catman" at Carolina Panthers home games, will finally be getting a free car that he won last year in a Fox Sports contest/practical joke. Unlike last time, this is an actual vehicle, of the Ford F-150 variety, instead of a toy car of the Matchbox variety. I couldn't help but be reminded of a similar story, where a Hooters waitress thought she had won a brand new Toyota.
• Michelle Wie still stinks in golf. However, it's still too early (read: not 18 yet) for her to scrap her professional career altogether and pose in men's magazines.
  
• How's this for loving yourself too much? Chad Johnson and the Bengals administration are selling his new hairdo, a blonde-dyed mohawk, to the general public. Thirty of your hard earned dollars will buy a rubber scalp with chemically altered horsehair on top. Johnson also plans on selling replicas of his gold-plated diamond-studded grill available in mouthpiece form.

That's it from me, let the games begin!

--EW

Dear Kobe (part 8 of many)

"I can't stop telling people how to do shit right."

Despite not even playing this summer, Kobe Bryant has advice for Team USA. In turn, I have advice for our friend Kobe.

Stop being a dick.

--CH

Monday Morning Cooler Talk (CFB is back and Tiger never left Edition)

"I wish golf were difficult."

Welcome all! Triple OT is back in full swing because yes, you called it, real sports are being played again. Baseball, you had your moment in the spotlight, but it’s time to get back into your fucking cave. Football’s back in town and it’s looking for a party. Hey football, it’s me, Triple OT, we’re having a KILLER party. We invited all the chicks we know, we got a keg of Bud Ice, and more Bacardi than the eye can see. Hell, I’m even cleaning out Ol’ Throat Molester, you know, my beer bong with a sixer-capacity. It’s gonna be awesome.

• Although Ohio State’s defense looked shaky Saturday, its offense looked absolutely dominant against Northern Illinois. If you want to interpolate that data to next week’s matchup against Texas, you can say that Ohio State’s defense is severely boned, while their offense is relatively untested against a true defense. But it’s probably best to not read too much into the first game (more on that later).
• The best way to look at Ohio State is to look at them as a Texas-lite, one year removed. Ohio State really came together at the end of last season and had a coming out party at the 2006 Fiesta Bowl, much like Texas really came together at the end of the 2004 season and had a coming out party against Michigan in the 2005 Rose Bowl. Even the progress of Troy Smith closely mirrors the progress of Vince Young. The comparison isn’t exact, mind you, as Young never had a weapon like Ted Ginn Jr., and Troy Smith will never be as talented as Vince Young. The two teams are somewhat paralleled though, and their matchup next Saturday will certainly be interesting. I will note that Ohio State has yet to really face a defense with the speed that can keep up with them. Expect Troy Smith to be contained by the linebackers and know that Ted Ginn Jr. is going to be hesitant to run across the middle the first time Michael Griffin lays him out. Another advantage that Texas has is that its defense has practiced against Vince Young before, so they’re accustomed to containing a very mobile quarterback.
• Notre Dame looked real bad didn’t they? I mean, the media is going to want to praise Charlie Weis and Brady Quinn for going into Atlanta and beating a difficult Georgia Tech team, but let’s call a spade a spade: the #2 team in the nation had a damn difficult time defeating an unranked team. How come when OU struggles against UAB the look a lot worse than their #9 ranking, yet Notre Dame somehow eeks out a win, they really showed their true colors and tenacity? I’m calling BS on the Golden Domers and penciling them in as a 10-2 this year.
• USC really did just reload huh? Either that or Arkansas has the worst-conditioned athletes in the nation.
• I remember sitting on the IF bus my senior year and reading the Daily Texan’s take on Colt McCoy. I thought to myself, “Seriously? They’re going to let this kid take a snap of D-I football? Won’t he die out there?” What a difference a redshirt year, a team loaded with talent, and a hapless North Texas defense can do for one’s perception. McCoy looked very crisp in UT’s home opener, completing 12-19 passes and throwing for 178 yards and 3 touchdowns. Probably more than anyone can really hope for from a kid named Colt out of Jim Ned High School.
• Seriously, there was way too much college football on Saturday. What a proverbial punch in the neck.
• To be honest, you really can’t read too much out of the first week of football. I think I’ll reserve judgment on the college football season until at least the second week, after all the teams make adjustments and really iron out any kinks. For me to go off and say Tennessee is back in national title contention or that Cal is in for a long season would be hyperbolic and incorrect. But this much is true, ERIK AINGE IS AWESOMEEE!!1!
• Team USA finished the World Championships with a bronze medal. Not really what they came to Japan for, but I think the Americans should be happy with that and take it. If anyone watched any of games, it was painfully obvious that the Americans were depending too much on outside shooting (understandable against a well-versed zone defense) and didn’t have enough shooters. They reminded me a lot of the 2003 and 2004 Dallas Mavericks who lived and died by the three point shot. When the three point shot is falling, a team that plays that way can be dominant. When it’s not, well, you end up with a bronze. A couple weeks ago I mentioned that the international game is starting to resemble the NBA, and I think the bronze medal match between the US and Argentina was a perfect example. I think America’s best course of action is to keep bringing in the big international superstars into the NBA and taint their game with the NBA’s style of self-involved individual matchups. That or GET SOME FUCKING SHOOTERS on Team USA.
• Tiger Woods continues his mindfuck of the competition after starting the Deutsche Bank Championship Monday three shots off the lead Vijay Singh’s lead and needing only three holes to erase the lead. Tiger had two eagles in the first seven holes. That’s fucking scary. Dude doesn’t gain on you one shot at a time like normal people, he gains on you two shots at a time. Vijay didn’t exactly play the greatest golf, but he shot a more-than-serviceable 68 that would’ve won any tournament that didn’t involve Tiger. For those keeping score at home, that’s five straight tournament wins for Tiger Woods and seven total for the year. No other golfer has more than two wins this year.
• After deciding to come back his senior year and hoping to improve to the best running back in the nation, Louisville’s Michael Bush is probably regretting his decision. With the game probably in the bag and Bush having solidified a very dominant first half (124 yards rushing, 3 TDs), Bush was horse-collared and his leg buckled underneath him, breaking in two places. I am really not sure why college and professional football hasn’t just outright banned the horse-collar tackle. It’s a pretty filthy way to tackle someone and completely disruptive to one’s body. Every year they tweak the horse-collar rule, and every year I see blatant horse-collar tackles that look so unnatural it makes me cringe. It’s time somebody changes this bullshit.
• Florida State versus Miami. Total rushing yards? THREE. Yeah, that was Monday night-worthy.

As for my non-sports thoughts of the week:

• I have tenth row tickets to UT-Ohio State. That was somewhat sports-related, I know, but I mostly wrote it to make you jealous.
• After watching it again last night, I can safely say ‘Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle” is pretty much the greatest cinematic experience of all-time. The list stands as: Harold and Kumar, Godfather, and Band of Brothers. No I will not argue this. The list has been made and it is so.
• I had the same reaction to Steve Irwin’s death as I did when I found out Lance Bass was gay. These are things I should see coming, and these are news events that don’t really shock me. I mean, we all pretty much knew Irwin wasn’t going to die from any natural causes. Sure the stingray was a little unexpected, but you knew it was going to be an animal of some sort. My next obvious news tragedy is that Steve-O kills Johnny Knoxville or vice versa in some ridiculous stunt gone wrong. Just remember who called it first.
• Facebook got twice as creepy today. I like it.

Alright guys, let’s keep it locked on Trot – updates becoming fast and furious and moist. Yes, moist.

--CH

Games to watch

Yo, does the brotha in the second row play? You know, the big guy behind the two fags?

Overrated Game of the Week: Florida State at Miami
This was a glamour match up a few years ago, but the state of Florida has taken a considerable downturn as far as quality of football is concerned. It will be interesting to see whether quarterbacks Drew Weatherford of FSU and Kyle Wright of Miami can keep up the progress they made last year in their rookie campaigns. Not sure if 6’3” safety and super blue chip Myron Rolle will start, but I guarantee he’ll get some playing time. Wright’s not exactly the brightest bulb, and Rolle has already shown a real nose for the ball, so be prepared to witness the possibility of something Deion-esque. Or not. Regardless of Rolle’s, er... role in the game, the game will be a disappointment to the casual football fan who is looking for a matchup of the bigs. These are two storied programs, no doubt, but they’re definitely at the nadir of their pendulum right now.

Underrated Game of the Week: Baylor at TCU
You would think that as large as the state of Texas is, there’d be enough football to go around. Not so. There are basically only three dominant camps – the good, the bad, and the functionally retarded. I am of course speaking of the University of Texas, Texas A&M, and Texas Tech, respectively. But you know what team is surprisingly good (despite their aberration of a loss against SMU last year)? TCU. And you know what team isn’t the worst of the Big XII anymore? Baylor. Yeah, chew on that Iowa State. I am absolutely geeked about Guy Morriss’ improved Baylor team – they have absolutely bought into his Air Bear system and look to take the necessary steps to improve. Their spread offense should put points on the board and will make them relevant on the college football landscape. As for TCU, what can I say? Gary Patterson has built upon what Dennis Franchione (and to maybe a more significant degree, Ladainian Tomlinson) built. (As a side note, I’ll always be a quasi-TCU fan, if only because they started the mini-slide that OU is currently suffering through.) TCU has been a legitimate big time bowl contender and if they can keep their heads straight, they should once again contend for a BCS bowl bid this year. Football is a cyclical sport, but it’s rare you’ll see two teams with low-frequency oscillations that generally reside in the basement peak near their apex. And to see this rarity on the first week of the season? Yes, please. Plus, bonus points for this old SWC match-up. It’s been a decade since these former conference rivals met, so trust me when I say the crowd at Fort Worth will be rocking.

Game I’ll Watch: Notre Dame at Georgia Tech
Georgia Tech simply wins games they should lose and lose games they should win. I can’t think of a more maddeningly frustrating team in the entire NCAA. And who personifies the team the best? Their physically gifted yet bonehead quarterback Reggie Ball. But with the ever-increasing dominance of Calvin “Put Anything Up There And I’ll Bring That Shit Down One-Handed” Johnson, Ball will have some serious weapons. Plus, the Ball-Johnson duo is nearly as funny as the second string big men duo on my basketball team (Wang and Peck). But to get back to my point, despite the plethora of douchebags that come out of Georgia Tech (Starbury, I’m looking at you…), I honestly hope they pull off the upset.

Here’s why I hope Georgia Tech wins. Notre Dame is already America’s second favorite college team and they have the big names in Brady Quinn, Jeff Smzardidjaiaja, and Tom Zbikowkmbkowsi, so your average white American college football fan will be rooting for these guys hard. When was the last time the best receiver, quarterback, and defensive player were all white? That sort of stuff doesn’t even happen in West Texas anymore, much less on a top five ranked college football team. I’m really not ready for a full season of quasi-football fans jumping on the Great White Hype that is Notre Dame along with the ESPNBJ that’s already in full-swing. This paragraph quickly deteriorated into a big FUCK YOU to Notre Dame. Sorry for letting that one slip away. Zuh-oh, better stop writing.

-CH

A picture's worth a thousand late updates

Sorry for the lack of updates - work's been busy and seeing how it pays infinitely better, I did what one must do. Here are some photos that pretty much tell you where we are in the sports world. But never fear, college football is back, and Triple OT will be revamped in a major way. Coming Soon! New Layout too!

Oh nos!

More oh nos!

Friday Happy Hour Tutorial (Relatively Speaking, Because I Don't Have To Work Tomorrow Edition)

Who would you choose? Seriously, I hate Matt Leinart more and more with each passing day.

Labor Day means a lot of things to a lot of people. If you're a fashion conscious woman, you shouldn't wear white anymore. If you're a working man, you take the day off, contrary to the name. And if you're a sports fan, you'll spend your entire Saturday camped out on the couch cheering for your alma mater. That's the best meaning of Labor Day, as far as we here at Triple OT are concerned.

• Notable matchups this week: None. The first week back is usually softie week anyway, but it's still nice to see your team work out the kinks in a real game, especially when they've lost a couple of cornerstone players to the draft, jail, or NCAA rules violations. So on that rubric: North Texas at Texas will be interesting to see how well redshirt freshman Colt McCoy (awesome name, by the way) fills Vince Young's huge vacant shoes. USC at Arkansas, where the defending runner-ups no doubt pocketed a significant appearance fee that they'll use to buy Advil to cure the "we lost half the starting lineup in the draft" hangover. UAB at Oklahoma, to see how the #2 team in the Big XII fares without their star QB. A more interesting game to watch might be Notre Dame at Georgia Tech, where the Yellow Jackets will try to pull the upset on this rather intact Irish squad. And rounding out softie week is Akron at Penn State, where hopefully new QB Morelli and the sophomore receiving corp zip around the Akron Zips.
• T.O. has finally decided to attend practice, and will probably play in the Cowboys/Vikings game tonight. I don't think I'm alone in thinking this is all an underhanded power-grab/publicity stunt, but ultimately, it doesn't matter. I want to see big numbers from Owens. Also, he's on my fantasy team.
• Arizona backup QB Matt Leinart's hookup buddy at USC Brynn Cameron (pictured above, opposite Paris) has announced that she's pregnant with Leinart's son. That's not the story. The story is, the baby is due in November, and she just found out that she was pregnant a month ago. Cameron is a 5'10" guard on the USC women's basketball team, and as a result of her pregnancy, will miss this season as she carries her baby to term. I'm probably the last person on this planet to be considered an expert on women, but aren't there some obvious signs that point to pregnancy way before six months? Regardless, we here at Triple OT remind you "no glove, no love", and that the pill is only 98% effective 100% of the time.
• Team USA rolls to a 7-0 record after posting a win over a Dirk Nowitzki led Team Germany. This leaves exactly one team in each group that is undefeated: USA, Greece, Argentina, and Spain, who will duke it out in the semi-finals. Trot predictions for the outcomes are: USA over Greece by 15 points, Argentina over Spain by 10, and USA over Argentina by 3.
• Things happened in baseball. Next.
  
• Charles Barkley has decided to run for governor of Alabama as a Democrat. Hey, if Jesse "The Body" Ventura and The Terminator can be governors, why not the Round Mound of Rebound? He's recognizable, he's likeable, and he'll throw you through a plate glass window before he takes shit from anyone. Plus, with a quote like this, he'll have the support of all the gays in Alabama: "Gay marriage is probably 1 percent of the population, so it's not like it's going to be an epidemic. Hey, trust me, I'm never going to kiss you." Trot predictions: Barkley wins in a landslide.
• Finally, Team Creep looks to come out charged as they face the Diplomats tonight in Rec League play. Expect clean, crisp passing from the guards, good outside shooting from optimal defensive matchups, a strong low post presence from the forwards, and a mercy rule victory in Team Creep's favor. Refer to the website for more details.

And in non-sports news, an architecture/history lesson in castle defense:

• A staircase turns clockwise, forcing invaders to transfer their spears to the left hand and giving the defense an advantage. An extra-tall step requires them to take off their chain-link armor to scale it. Anyone who actually makes it up the stairs alive would have to bend over to pass through a low doorway -- giving the castle's hatchet-armed defenders a prime crack at their necks.

Enjoy your Labor Day weekend, everyone!

--EW

Monday Morning Cooler Talk (Oh snaps it's Thursday already? Edition)

Thirteen like Lebron's 21.

Readers, you’ll have to excuse the lack up updates, I can’t lie to you anymore. I still think you’re great, but it’s not you, it’s me. I’ve wandered. I’ll just come out and say it. There’s someone else. I just need to get this out of my system, deep down I still want to be with you, Trot readers. Just bear with me – it’s a growing experience. I promise I’ll come out a better man in the end. Who is it? No, it’s not important. No, I’d rather not say. Okay, fine, it’s Team Creep. But it didn’t mean as much as what we have. And I was thinking about you the whole time.

• I guess we’ll leadoff with the namesake game – Germany defeated Angola this morning 108-103 in triple OT to improve to 4-1 in the first round of the FIBA World Championship. Dirk Nowitzki led Germany with 47 points and made all 17 of his free throw attempts. That awkward feeling in your pants right now? That’s the full on effect that Dirk Nowitzki. Seriously, I guarantee that Dirk was the only offensive option for Germany, and the Angolans knew it, so they probably double and triple teamed him. And he still dropped 47. Man-crushing, seriously.
• I suppose on the grand scale of things, the biggest news story of the week would have to be the five game smackdown the Yankees laid on the Red Sox. I think the final combined score of the five games was 49-26. This leads me to believe Americans could’ve saved about sixteen hours each if the two teams had just played a game of football instead. But no, that’d be too straight.
• Tiger Woods absolutely destroyed the field last Sunday at Medinah to win his 12th major, the PGA Championship. He entered the fourth day tied for the lead and finished the Championship with a five-shot victory. Absolutely mind-fucking everyone out there. I won’t go as far as Wojo and say he’s the best athlete ever, but I will say he’s right up there as the most intimidating athlete ever. Short list includes Michael Jordan, Roger Clemens (dude brushed back his own son), Ray Lewis, and Mike Tyson. The last two make the list because you wouldn’t be surprised if they actually killed their opponent in-game.
• I really haven’t heard anything about Barbaro this week. So I think it’s safe to assume he’s finally part of my very expensive stick of glue. Or not.
• Carmelo Anthony had another dominant game and dropped 35 as America came back from a 12 point deficit to defeat Italy. I find this interesting on many levels. First off, international basketball isn’t as team-oriented as the media would have you believe. I’ve been watching a ton of Euro League and they play just as much iso as any average NBA team. I think the fact of the matter is a lot of international players are simply better in basketball now. We keep trying to explain our deficiencies by faulting ourselves, but that’s really just a slap in the face to the international basketball players out there. Take Manu or Dirk for example. They’re just as athletic as any American player, but had they been born fifteen years earlier, they wouldn’t have had access to any NBA games on TV or the support system they benefited from.
  
  I think you can blame two people for America’s perceived downfall in basketball: David Stern and Don Nelson. David Stern’s lasting legacy will be the globalization of basketball (and that alone puts him tops on my list of greatest commissioner in all sports ever). David Stern spearheaded TV deals to bring NBA broadcasts worldwide, and his league has benefited tremendously from it. Keep in mind, no matter what medal countries win in the Olympics, the best players still come back to America to play in Stern’s League. Tell me that’s not a coup. The second culprit, if you will, is Don Nelson. Nelson was the one who progressed Lithuania’s basketball team to previously-unthinkable heights in the early 90’s. Not only is Nelson a great coach of the game, he’s a profoundly superb teacher of the game and fast-fowraded Lithuania’s basketball evolution a decade. When the rest of Europe saw that the tie-dyed group of Lithuanians could compete (to a degree) against the Americans, they were motivated in thinking they could do the same. As it turns out, they could.
  
  That being said, all basketball tends to evolve into isolation – that’s what the NBA has become and that’s what the international game is becoming. And it turns out, America has the three best individual basketball players in the world: Carmelo Anthony, Lebron James, and Dwyane Wade. When Coach K decided that his dual-squad hogwash was putting America on the brink of another epic letdown, he relegated to basketball evolution and put his three most dominant players on the court.
• Here’s a complete rundown of the NFL in short to very short sentences. Reggie Bush is still just a rookie. Vince Young and Matt Leinart are going to be good, just not this year. Tony Romo is very good. Drew Bledsoe is still better. Terrell Owens is in a weird situation. Shaun Alexander is contradictory. He talks about dedication in his Madden 2007 commercial and gives 40% during pre-season games. Cedric Benson is either a baby or misunderstood. Carson Palmer may play soon. Chad Johnson is dominant regardless of who throws him the ball. To quote the radio, Drew Henson is the Ryan Leaf of two sports. Vastly overpaid and produced nothing in baseball and football. Apparently, Chris Simms is good. The inner Longhorn in me just died a little. The Saints are still terrible. The Colts are still an amazing offensive freakshow. The countdown to kickoff is seriously the slowest ever.
• NFL needs to build the hype to start their season. College football is kind of like waking up to a punch in the mouth. You don’t really hear much build-up about it, and then one weekend there are literally fifty games to watch. I’m cool with both methods.
• Team Creep starts their league play against Team Bukkake. I can’t believe Microsoft Word doesn’t know that word. No Clippy, I didn’t mean to write Backache. Team Backache makes no fucking sense. When I say bukkake, I mean BUKKAKE. Anyhow, get excited and make sure to follow our progress. For me to say there are more important things in the sports world would be an absolute affront to all my tens of readers.

As for my non-sports thoughts of the week:

• Jake Gyllenhaal, not Matthew McConaughey is set to play Lance Armstrong in a Lance Armstrong movie. I have no idea why the hell Lance Armstrong can’t play himself in the movie – his cameo in Dodgeball clearly shows he is quite the thespian.
• I’ve been working so much recently that that was my only non-sports thought. Just thinking about a bunch of dudes. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Okay, weekend’s coming up shortly. Enjoy it. Cherish it. Seacrest it. Trot out!

--CH

Arizona! The Musical!

(Words to be sung to the music of “Surrey with the Fringe on Top”)

Friday night:
(Arizona State football head coach Dirk Koetter enters stage left. Sam Keller is sitting on a stool at the center of the stage.)

Koetter: Sam, I gotta tell ya kid, neither you or Rudy really distinguished yourself this summer. Now don’t get me wrong, I thought you two did a heck of a job. But I’m going to go with you kid, you’re a senior, you played well last season, and Rudy’s got time to develop. I want you to go out this year and make it the best senior year of your life!

Keller: Gosh Coach, I really do appreciate it. That’s awful kind of you and I’m going to go out there and give it my all! Thanks Coach, I can’t wait to call my ma and pa – they’ll be so proud!

Sunday night:
(Scene takes place on a practice field, again Keller is sitting at the center of the stage and Koetter walks over.)

Koetter: PSYCHE! I GOT YOU GOOD YOU FUCKER! You’re not starting, Sam! I’m actually gonna start Rudy! SUCKAAAA!

(Exit Koetter as he throws the deuce.)

Keller: Yo, that was stone cold. My name’s Sam Keller and I just got Punk’d! :-(

Prologue:
Sam Keller learned a valuable life lesson this weekend as Coach Dirk Koetter named him the starting quarterback at ASU only to flip flop and name Rudy Carpenter the starting quarterback two days later. The lesson was this: never trust anyone named Dirk. They are indeed, stone cold, and they will not hesitate to rip your heart out and eat it. Never stare a Dirk straight in the eyes either, or you may be on the receiving end of a power-sneer and will surely perish within 48 hours. And let this also be a lesson to my readers who attempted to sing this musical: you are an idiot. Also, please don’t scroll back up and try singing it.