Friday Happy Hour Tutorial

Who has ten fingers and stinks in soccer?

Another week down. One more week closer to death, but only eight more hours till happy hour. Impress your friends with your vast sports knowledge. Just don't forget to tell them that you learned it all on TripleOT.com, the nation's leader in shoddy, often incorrect, and incredibly biased sports info-tainment.

• USA is out of the World Cup. It essentially came down to whether they could beat Ghana or not. Not Ghana happen. Now America is going, going, Ghana! America sure played like a bunch of va-Ghanas!
• No but seriously, I have no idea how America played because like most Americans, I was a) working and b) didn’t care. However, I have to wonder how bad Freddy Adu is. From the surface, it would appear that America is overmatched completely by players from all other nations, and if Freddy Adu isn’t even on the national team, he must really suck balls. Granted I have socks older than him, but still, isn’t he supposed to be the second coming of Pele? Someone feel free to shed some light on this.
• Despite our ineptitude at soccer, America has been on a tear back at home. After years of speculation, our United States Federal agents have finally broken through with the steroids case in baseball. MLB couldn’t do it, but our government spent hard-earned tax money and finally gave us the big names we were all hoping for (though none too surprised to see). That’s right, they cornered Jason Grimsley and put the squeeze on him. Shortly after, David Segui felt the heat, and knowing he had been implicated and knowing it was a matter of time before the names Grimsley named would be leaked, Segui stepped forward and admitted to steroid use. Finally, we got Grims and Segui. Those were the big money names we all suspected and it’s a great day to see our government getting the job done. Money well spent. It won’t be long before all the big names will come crawling out of the woodwork – players like T.J. Beam and Boof Bonser and the like.
• White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen was fined an undisclosed amount and was ordered to undergo sensitivity training after calling a reporter a ‘fag’. Sounds about right. Guillen’s kind of a goon, but at the same time, I am too so I can’t criticize him. I just feel like Guillen is the kind of guy who can’t tolerate guys who don’t get it or guys who are overly-sensitive. I’m going to go out on a limb and say Guillen despises Queer Eye and said some pretty hilarious stuff when they did an episode with the Red Sox. Not that I watched that episode or anything.
• Oh did you know they played hockey this year? And it was even on television! Sort of. In case you want to show off, you can tell everyone that the Carolina Hurricanes won Lord Stanely’s Cup. There, you now have more hockey knowledge than 90% of Americans. Their colors are red and white. That puts you in the top five percentile. I can’t provide you anymore because I don’t know anymore. Plus you’re being greedy.
• With over two months left before the college football season starts, the official suck has been placed in full effect on summer. Now would be as good of a time as any to go on hiatus, but F that, we’re going to stagger on like an overmatched boxer in the 12th round. Through our big puffy eyes we see our trainer, and we’ll spit out a few bloody teeth and tell our trainer “No matta wha, pweaf dun fro da tow in.” Look forward to incredibly biased football previews and uneducated NBA draft predictions. It’s what we do best.

Take it easy friends. And if you're in Dallas, come find me at Gloria's around 6 PM. I'll be the one dropping F-bombs like Mark Cuban.

--CH