You stay classy, Trot

Michael and Vito share an intimate moment

And so the Miami Heat are the last ones left standing. Improbably coming back from an 0-2 hole, the Heat won four straight to rightfully take the coveted and beautiful golden trophy that best resembles a bricked shot. But fuck, it’s easy to win the NBA Finals when it’s eight on five. A few quick thoughts to end this series…

• Dwyane Wade, regardless of the calls he got, is an amazing player. But the next person who even mentions him in a sentence with Michael Jordan needs to kick himself in the manbits repeatedly. Until DWade wins one without Shaq, it’s a ridiculous argument. Say what you will about the aging Big Fella, he still alters the way the game is played. If DWade wins six rings with Michael Doleac at center (trust me when I say Doleac is no worse or better than Longley, Wennington, or Cartwright), please, shut the fuck up.
• For a supposed basketball fan, I feel pretty stupid for not knowing how Dwyane’s first name was spelled until recently. But I’m not alone - you’ll be hard-pressed to find videos on YouTube searching for “Dwyane Wade”, but there are a plethora under “Dwayne Wade”. It’s not me that’s wrong, it’s not America that’s wrong, it’s YOU that’s wrong, “Dwyane”.
• Anticipation calls are what drives me batshit insane. The refs are blowing the whistles from impossible distances and angles, and are blowing them so fast that there’s no way a human brain can comprehend what happened that quickly. Implement the challenge. Now.
• Remember how Wade shot as many free throws as the Mavs in Game 5? Nearly the same situation in Game 6. The worst was when Marquis Daniels got called for hacking Wade on a drive, when in reality Daniels was at least four inches away from any physical contact with Wade. If that’s not a referee anticipating contact, I have no idea what that is. Who deserves the blame? David Stern. Mark Cuban can’t say it but I will. Fuck you, David Stern. You let this league get out of fucking control when you concentrated more on dress code than you did on the obvious WWE-natured foul calls when your league is on its biggest stage. And fuck ABC for not showing the replays of the bullshit calls. Dallas fans, you guys got jobbed and it sucks. These Finals were an absolute embarrassment to the league and an embarrassment for me to watch. I am still the biggest fan of basketball but Stern is really pushing my limits.
• There’s something to be said about being a gracious loser. There’s also my fist in your ear. You can argue that the Mavs should have never let it get to that point where the refs could have screwed them. Fuck that noise. Are you telling me that the Mavs have to maintain at least a ten point lead at all times in anticipation for a solid round of ref-fucking? In a series where three games were decided by five points or less, it’s obvious neither team was decidedly better than the other. So if one team gets 100% of the calls their way and the other team gets the 0% that’s left over, do you honestly expect the losers to be gracious about it? The NBA has developed an impression that it’s a flawed product based on bullshit and star-coddling, and they certainly didn’t dispel that notion this year.

Fuck this, I don’t feel like writing anymore. I’ll be more family-friendly with all subsequent posts, I promise. Now get the fuck out of here.