Friday Happy Hour Tutorial (Is It Football Season Yet? Edition)

"I also naturally look like a lawn gnome."

Another week is over and done with, which means we're one week closer to the end of the Sports Summer Hiatus. It also means we're one week closer to the end of summer, which is bad, but since we've all got neverending sinecures to attend to, it's worse. So basically the sports thing is what's keeping me going. Enough chit-chat, let's get on with the pseudo sports happenings of this past week.

• Floyd Landis, after post-Tour tests revealed his high testosterone level, claims that his testosterone level is naturally high. Really Floyd? That's the best excuse you could come up with? You didn't think "Uh, you guys have the wrong sample, that's not my blood" was gonna fly? However, no matter the results of the B-sample, he'll always be the ugliest Tour winner in our book.
• Jockey Paul O'Neill was ordered to apologize for headbutting his horse City Affair after the horse was wild and bucked him in the parade ring. O'Neill had to say he was sorry to the owners, the Horseracing Regulatory Authority, and of course, in our idiotic society where people think horses can actually read and understand English, City Affair himself. Leave it to the French to make headbutting chic again.
• In more cycling news, Jan "A German Boy's Name, Not To Be Confused With Mieke, A Girl's Name, Similar To Our Michelle" Ullrich has reportedly been in talks to join Lance Armstrong's former Discovery team. If you can't beat them, join them, I guess. This is the stuff that I read about when there are no contact sports on TV.
• The roster for Team USA Basketball currently stands at 15, until August 18, when the list must be cut down to 12. My (unprofessional and unfounded) predictions for who doesn't make the cut: Dwyane Wade, LeBron James, and Carmelo Anthony. Sike/Psyche!
• Will Reggie Bush's holdout work? Will he get Vince Young money? Tune in next week, same Trot time, same Trot channel, to find out.
  

That's all the news that's fit to print. Have a good weekend everyone! --EW