Arizona! The Musical!

(Words to be sung to the music of “Surrey with the Fringe on Top”)

Friday night:
(Arizona State football head coach Dirk Koetter enters stage left. Sam Keller is sitting on a stool at the center of the stage.)

Koetter: Sam, I gotta tell ya kid, neither you or Rudy really distinguished yourself this summer. Now don’t get me wrong, I thought you two did a heck of a job. But I’m going to go with you kid, you’re a senior, you played well last season, and Rudy’s got time to develop. I want you to go out this year and make it the best senior year of your life!

Keller: Gosh Coach, I really do appreciate it. That’s awful kind of you and I’m going to go out there and give it my all! Thanks Coach, I can’t wait to call my ma and pa – they’ll be so proud!

Sunday night:
(Scene takes place on a practice field, again Keller is sitting at the center of the stage and Koetter walks over.)

Koetter: PSYCHE! I GOT YOU GOOD YOU FUCKER! You’re not starting, Sam! I’m actually gonna start Rudy! SUCKAAAA!

(Exit Koetter as he throws the deuce.)

Keller: Yo, that was stone cold. My name’s Sam Keller and I just got Punk’d! :-(

Prologue:
Sam Keller learned a valuable life lesson this weekend as Coach Dirk Koetter named him the starting quarterback at ASU only to flip flop and name Rudy Carpenter the starting quarterback two days later. The lesson was this: never trust anyone named Dirk. They are indeed, stone cold, and they will not hesitate to rip your heart out and eat it. Never stare a Dirk straight in the eyes either, or you may be on the receiving end of a power-sneer and will surely perish within 48 hours. And let this also be a lesson to my readers who attempted to sing this musical: you are an idiot. Also, please don’t scroll back up and try singing it.