Monday Morning Cooler Talk (Damn Near Friday Edition)

I don't even need to say anything funny.

Fuck this update has been a long time coming. I especially enjoy starting updates with the f-bomb. Anyways, here’s the latest Monday Morning Cooler Talk of all-time. In fact, don’t expect a Friday update tomorrow because at this point, we’re really just treading on toes.

• Depending on how long Rhett Bomar worked at the car dealership (whether it was just a summer or a whole year), he made between $75 to $300 an hour. The irony of it all is someone with so much potential basically topped out at the age of 20, as I doubt he’ll ever see that kind of money ever again. But you never know, maybe the Bengals will be looking for a backup quarterback two years from now. They clearly don’t mind character issues.
• So Floyd Landis’ testosterone/epitestosterone (T/E) ratio wasn’t 4:1 as previously reported, but actually a staggering 11:1. The average human has a T/E ratio of 1:1, while extra awesome manly athletes (such as yours truly) can have higher ratios. But 11:1? Not to mention they found synthetic testosterone in his system? Floyd, seriously, the jig’s up. It’s better to come clean early than to be found guilty late.
• A lot of people have been defending Landis, claiming he hadn’t been tested positive for anything before or after that stage he made up a chunk of his eight-minute deficit. I suppose their logic is that if he didn’t use it before or after, why just the once? Because the dude was eight minutes behind! Granted, the one-time use of any supplement won’t affect you physically so much as mentally, but that’s pretty much the exact time you want to start juicing.
• American sprinter Justin Gatlin has also admitted that he failed a doping test and likely faces a lifetime ban. The current world record co-holder in the 100m has been criticized by former multi-gold medalist Michael Johnson for associating himself with the wrong characters. This coming from a Baylor-alum. Sure dude, whatever.
• I bet Barry Bonds is feeling a little relieved right now.
• A whole lot of baseball players got traded in the past week including big names like Greg Maddux, Carlos Lee, and Bobby Abreu. Roger Clemens almost got traded back to the Red Sox. The Red Sox should change their name to the Redd Sox. If we’re gonna be cute and misspell shit, let’s go 100%. Baseball is as dumb as this paragraph.
• Shaquille O’Neal has left Nike (his economically priced Dunkman line was owned by Nike) and has signed with Chinese athletic company Li Ning. This is a pretty considerable coup for Li Ning, whose only other NBA athlete is Damon Jones of queer jacket notoriety. For the readers who don’t know, Li Ning was founded by the great Chinese gymnast Li Ning and is actually a substantial player in the Chinese market. They definitely have the financial muscle to sign a few more big name athletes and look to do so in the coming years. For this to happen, they’re going to have to develop shoes with better model names than “2BM4583-1” and research a bit more into their “Cushion and Bounse” technology. Maybe they’ll need a spell checker, too.
• Not to be out-low-balled by Shaq, Stephon Marbury has developed a new shoe company called Starbury and will likely rock their shoes in-game. How much for the consumer to get the exact same pair Marbury is wearing at MSG? $14.99. No joke. You can get SEVENTEEN pairs of Marbury’s signature shoe for the same price as ONE pair of Tim Duncan’s signature shoe. That ratio is Landis! Ho!
• Reggie Bush finally signed his contract and is in camp. Bush signed what is believed to be the largest rookie contract out of this year’s draft (unless Matt Leinart stages an all-time heist) and only missed two days of practice. Granted, 60% of that contract is conditional and Bush will probably not see any of that money unless he becomes the leading rusher, Super Bowl MVP, and Tony-winning playwright in the same year. Regardless, that’s a lot of scratch for a guy who grew up in the slums of San Diego and had to rough it out through three years of near-poverty at the dangerous and seedy University of Southern California.
• Team USA is back in form, beating Puerto Rico 116-82 in exhibition play. How do you know this is international ball? Lebron, Carmelo, and DWade combined for nine free thow attempts in the game. Do you know how many charity shots DWade took each fourth period of the NBA Finals this past year? Seven thousand. That’s not exaggeration, that’s public record. Seriously Joe De La Rosa, I still hate your guts.
• Miami suspended four players for the season opener against FSU. Seriously, suspending a player at Miami for behavior detrimental to the team is like suspending a player at Baylor for being a douchebag. Again, Ho!
• Finally, the Ting brothers, twins Ryan and Brandon, are quitting USC football to concentrate on getting into medical school. The two American studies majors (with GPAs of 3.9 and 3.8) will be concentrating their efforts on a post-baccalaureate program at USC that should take about two years to finish and should have them prepared to enter medical school. The Tings were supposed to be major senior leaders this year, but felt their obligations to school work as well as the death threats Ryan received after he failed to intercept Vince Young during the Rose Bowl led them to their decision to leave. The Tings remain faithful to USC, sort of like how an abused woman stands by her man. Yes, I went there because the comparison was apropos. UPDATE : Psyche. The Tings are total cream and clear users. For all my fellow Asians, let this be a lesson to you. You cannot excel in sports unless you use the juice. So do it. You've only got one life to live, and it'll probably be more fun as an athlete.

And non-sports thoughts for the week:

• You know what’s disheartening? To see a pair of sneakers you bought in NYC last year for $90 on sale at an outlet mall in Suckville, TX for $40. I used to be the only person in Texas rocking those trainers, and now every podunk hillbilly is going to be as fly as me.
• Floyd Landis looks like Kid Rock. Okay, that was sort of sports-related.
• I’m still getting reamed at work, so don’t expect too many updates.

Take it easy, I’ll try my best to do the same. And don’t forget to bring your shiv to tax-free shopping this weekend. Surprisingly useful when you fight a 14 year old kid for the last pair of Mars Blackmon Jordan IVs. You know I’m bout it bout it.

--CH