Monday Morning Cooler Talk (Slowly Movin' Back to Monday Edition)

Grey Goose + SKS + (2 X Handguns) + Lint roller = Gangsta

Like the harbinger of welcome declarations, Maurice Clarett has once again committed a crime which means there’s news to report and our summer doldrums are quickly fading. Yes, Triple OT is working its way back and slowly but surely, we’ll move this Monday Morning Cooler Talk to it’s natural position: strong safety. I mean Monday.

• The hilarious story this time? Clarett made an illegal U-turn and the fuzz were on him like most Big 10 defenses at the end of the ‘02 season. Instead of pulling over like a normal human being, Clarett led the police on a ten minute chase where he finally gave up (mostly because he had no driver’s side tires thanks to some ever-timely spikes). Clarett was a bit ornery and was not willing to be subdued, but the cops couldn’t stun gun him because dude had a bullet proof vest on. They police then had to mace Clarett to get him to calm down. Two things of note: the mace in question is not of the Medieval spiked ball variety, but rather of the pepper spray variety (aw shucks), and really, the easiest way to get Clarett to calm down is throw some Twinkies on the ground (zing!).
• Police later found four loaded guns in Clarett’s SUV. Think about that – Clarett had a bullet proof vest on and four loaded guns in his car. Some brotha got SAVED last night. Shit was about to get Maurice Clarett messy.
• Maurice Clarett’s lawyer (who’s last name, Mango, has to raise red flags immediately) had this to say about the incident: "I'm shocked as everyone else is about the allegation. Obviously, he's a young man with a lot of weight on his shoulders." Statements like that further solidify my argument that lawyers aren’t necessarily smarter than the average person by any means, they were just more motivated to get a post-baccalaureate degree. Yeah, I totally used post-baccalaureate twice in the past two updates. Awesome, I know. School, you know my address, send me my M.A. (Master of Awesomenessity).
• Not to be outdone by the alumni (and I use the term ‘alumni’ loosely), Ohio State tight end Marcel Frost has been suspended for the entire football season for violating team rules. No word on what he did, but he remains on scholarship so it couldn’t have been that bad. I guess in the wake of a Maurce Clarett, nothing can be that bad.
• The bar has been raised. Your move, Marcus Vick.
• Did anyone see Travis Pastrana's double back flip Friday night? If not, here's a YouTube link. When you consider that the single back flip was only successfully pulled off in competition a mere four years ago and that fucking up a double probably results in paralysis or death, you have to admit this is a pretty amazing feat. Jordan's double back dunk against the Knicks, Bo Jackson's baseball catch/wall run, and Vince Carter's dunk on Weiss round out the Top Four Amazing Sports Plays I've Ever Seen, in no particular order.
• Carmelo Anthony is the new Charles Barkley. Think about it. Both have natural smiles. Both have average Nike shoes that will retain a decent vintage value. The highest scorer on the 1992 Dream Team was Charles Barkley. Arguably, the most important player on the 2006 Men’s National Basketball Team isn’t Dwyane Wade or LeBron James, but rather, Carmelo Anthony. It was no secret that Charles “The Round Mound of Rebound” Barkley was going to balloon up after he retired, but I think it’s nearly as evident that Carmelo is going to put on an extra Franklin when he retires. And both will be dominated for decades by their good friends (Jordan, Wade, James). Oh well, finishing second is still better than finishing 359th.
• Nike Basketball has finally updated their blog. It’s pretty. I like Nike.
• Michelle Wie has fired her caddy after her piss-poor showing at the Women’s British Open. For the record, Wie has gone through ten caddies since 2003. The latest caddy, Greg Johnston, said he was “shocked” to hear he was fired. Greg, Michelle’s sixteen and CRAZY RICH. Watch a few episodes MTV’s “My Super Sweet Sixteen”. Then call me back and honestly tell me you’re still surprised. I implore you to watch the episode that featured that fat adopted girl. Damn, I wanted to punch her in the big fat neck about three minutes into that episode.
• Pavel Podkolzin got waived by the Mavs after they signed Pops Mensah Bonsu. Looks like there’s no room for a 7’5” Russian. Man, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that, I could buy a bodyguard to punch the next guy who tells me there’s no room for a 7’5” Russian guy.
• The NFL has unanimously chosen Roger Goodell as the replacement for Paul Tagliabue as commissioner. Goodell is only 47, doesn’t have a law degree, and started working for the NFL as a marketing intern. Roger, way to live the dream.
• I’ve been watching some Euroleague basketball and here’s a tip for all those scouts out there: Tiago Splitter? Seriously? Kid’s going to enter an NBA game around November and the proceed to get lost for the next four years. No joke, Splitter has the least amount of court presence I’ve ever seen.

As for my non-sports thoughts of the week…

• No seriously, there are none. I’m still giggling about how fucking stupid Maurice Clarett is. Damn this guy’s a great story.

Alright guys, that's it for this "Monday". Keep it tuned to Trot and stay in school! Because you know what happens when you don't -- you become a douchebag.

--CH